


Own Yourself

by TransLunar



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Agender Hange Zoë, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Body Dysphoria, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, Reincarnation, Trans Character, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Trans Male Character, Transitioning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-07
Updated: 2015-11-10
Packaged: 2018-04-13 11:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4520472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TransLunar/pseuds/TransLunar
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Little drabble-type things about a headcanon I dreamed up and couldn't let go.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Name

He didn’t have a name. Not yet, anyways. His friend, Isabel, asked him every morning if he’d decided on a name yet.

 

“No! I’ll fucking tell you when I decide on one!”

 

He was angry. He was hurt. He was broken.

 

The first day of school was always the worst. Telling people to call him by his last name, and refusing to tell his full name, because it made him sick. Even worse was when he had a new teacher. He approached his homeroom teacher, who he thought looked too young to be a teacher, before school started and spoke in a hushed but clear voice.

 

“Mr. Smith, I’d like to make a request,” he began. He’d learned how to approach his teachers and not get detention. For some reason, most of the teachers really liked him, even though he always looked pissed off. Mr. Smith did not look up from his lesson book, finishing up some last-minute adjustments, and merely made a grunt to show he was listening. “I’d like to be referred to by my surname only.”

 

“I prefer to address my students casually, but if it’s a personal request, I’m sure I can make an exception.” He switched books, pulling up his roster for homeroom. “What is your surname?”

 

“Ackerman.”

 

Blue eyes met his own. Mr Smith studied him for a moment before checking the roster and raising his eyebrows.

 

“All right. Is there any particular reason you do not wish to be called L--”

 

“I hate it.” He couldn’t bear to hear it. He looked down at his finger nails, painted black against the edge of the desk. “I hate it.”

 

“I understand,” Mr. Smith said, voice surprisingly calm and understanding. “Have you tried going by another name? Maybe something that would suit you.”

 

“Nothing suits me,” he countered. “I’ve tried.”

 

“May I make a suggestion?” Mr. Smith asked, leaning back in his chair and crossing his arms. “It’s a bit old-fashioned, but I think it would suit you. Maybe try it out for a few days and let me know what you think at the end of the week.”

 

He bit his lip, not sure if he should let someone else name him. But then again, it couldn’t be any worse than the ideas he’d come up with. He nodded, willing to give it a try.

 

“Levi.”

 

He smiled for the first time in almost a decade.

  
“Levi.”


	2. Educated

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi goes to college and meets one of his biggest annoyances and allies: his roommate, Hange.

Levi began to come to terms with himself. He could fake his way through PE and sports. Convince himself that it was co-ed. He just happened to be the only boy. He cheated at graduation by wearing shorts under his dress. On days when he didn’t have activities, he bound his chest in sports bandages. It made him breathe easier, even if it was squeezing his rib cage. He even shoved rolls of socks into his underwear when he could get away without his mom noticing, though it was his uncle he really had to look out for. Farlan had snuck him a pack of briefs to use in secret and Isabel gave him a girdle to cut into a makeshift binder (she had nearly clawed his eyes out when she found out he used sports wraps). It didn’t hold him down enough to make him comfortable so he used tape to pull to the sides before putting it on. It was more comfortable on his ribs than the bandages, that was for sure.

 

College is when he began to grow. He almost instantly regretted choosing a dorm. As soon as he got there, he was surrounded by estrogen. The smell of perfume and body spray was thick enough he felt like he was wading through it. At least he didn’t have to use the stairwell to get to his room. The corner room was a bit more spacious than the others from what he could see through open doors. His roommate wasn’t there yet, so he peeked at the door, finding their names on little pink paper signs. He grabbed the one with his birth name on it and ripped it off, a little less angry than he would have been in high school. He knew he had to be okay with flying under the radar. Don’t cause too many questions.

 

Most people came to conclusions that he was a tomboy, because he liked makeup and nail polish and hadn’t cut his hair, just kept it pulled back and up. To be honest, he only hadn’t cut his hair because his mom liked it so much. She liked playing with it and braiding it, and he had to admit, he just liked spending time with her, so he kept his hair long. But in the past couple years, they hadn’t spent much time together anyways, so he was debating cutting it. The hardest thing he was anticipating was having literally no one who knew. He’d have to deal with “she” and “her” and slips on his name. He honestly didn’t know if he could take it. His roommate had to know once she got there, that was a given. He wanted his room to at least be a safe place.

 

There was a loud noise from the hall, making him frown. He had hoped being with a bunch of girls would be less boisterous than a bunch of teenage boys. The voice was getting louder, which could only mean she was coming down this hallway. He rolled his eyes, cursing his luck as he lifted his suitcase onto one of the beds. He honestly didn’t like the layout of the room and was hoping his room mate could help rearrange furniture.

 

“Ooh~! Fancy name tags~!” he heard right at the door and whipped his head around. The source of the ruckus was looking at the name tag on his door. “I’m not rooming alone, am I?” She turned to inspect the room, indeed finding it occupied. “Hi! I’m Hange, your roommate!” She came in and thrust her hand at him for a shake. He just stared at her.

 

“Are you always so loud?”

 

“Are you always so moody?”

 

“Yes.”

 

She tsked.

 

“That can’t be true,” she crooned. “Pretty face like yours would look best with a smile.”

 

“Don’t call me pretty,” he almost scolded, smacking her hand away. He couldn’t be too mad, he hadn’t told her yet, after all. “There are some things you need to know if you’re going to be inhabiting the same space as me.”

 

“Ooh, ground rules, I like it,” she said excitedly, plopping onto the bed he had set his luggage on and looking up expectantly. She reminded him of an excited dog.

 

“First, don’t touch my stuff.” She pulled her hand off of his bag, still smiling. “Second, don’t call me pretty, or girly, or anything like that…. I’m… I…” He didn’t know the words to use. He literally had no words. “I’m a boy?...” He hadn’t sounded as confident as he had wished.

 

“Oh, you’re trans?”

 

“What?”

 

“Trans. Transgender. Born with society telling you you’re one gender, but you identify as the other.”

 

He hadn’t known it was a thing.

 

“Um… I guess, yeah.”

 

“That’s why you took down your name tag, isn’t it? They used your birth name.” He was shocked, to say the least. She knew more about him than he did. At least she knew fancier terms for him.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Well, it would be a shame to have your name missing.” She stood up. “Why don’t we make you a new one? What’s your name?”

 

“Levi. How do you know so much about… gender?”

 

“My mom is a psychiatrist. She tells me all kinds of things. I’m going into medicine too. I guess you could say she’s my inspiration. I’m not exactly on the gender binary either, and she was always accepting, so I’m going to make it my job to create a world where kids aren’t afraid to come out to their parents because the parents are educated and schools teach on gender.”

 

“You’re not on the gender what?”

 

“The binary. I’m neither female nor male, I’m… well, I don’t have a gender. Ah, speaking of, could you use ‘they’ when referring to me?”

 

“Ah… yeah, if you promise to use ‘he’ for me.”

 

“I already do, Ravioli,” they said.

 

“What-”

 

“Now, let’s do something about this room!” they interrupted him. “It’s a bit cluttered the way it’s set up, isn’t it?”

 

“I’ll be in charge of rearranging, okay? You just help me move stuff.”

 

“Okay, short stuff.”

 

“I swear I will kill you before the semester is over.”

  
“That’s cute.”


	3. Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hange gives Levi a haircut.

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah, shitty glasses. Just fuck me up. I don’t even care anymore, I just want it gone.”

 

“Well it’s easy to just chop it off, but styling is a whole other matter.”

 

“Why did I trust you with this again?”

 

“Because I’m your awesome roommate who knows you better than anyone else.”

 

“Touche.”

 

“I think you’d look good with a military type hairstyle.”

 

“Oh, my god, just get it over with. I have a project to work on.”

 

“All right, all right, monsieur artiste~”

 

It was a sloppy mess. Hange made due with a comb and desk scissors. Levi almost complained about the noises they made while working. At one point they cursed and he almost punched them for fucking up his hair. When it was all said and done, it wasn’t that bad.

 

“Holy shit you went fucking short.”

 

“It’s called an undercut, Ravioli. You should invest in clippers for a more even cut.”

 

He wasn’t listening. He was inspecting himself in the mirror. He almost didn’t recognize himself. His cheekbones stood out and had his jawline always been so sharp?

 

“Have I ever told you I love you?” he blurted.

 

“No! Do you?!”

 

“No.”

 

“Oh, Levi, you’re so mean! How can you tease me like that?”

 

“Shut up shitty glasses, I need to shower all this hair off of me.”

 

“Of course, Mr. Clean.”

 

“I am as close to bald as I am ever going to be, thanks to you.”

 

“You like it, admit it.”

 

“No.”

  
“Mm-hm. We’ll see in a few weeks when I’m trimming it again.”


	4. Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi is 25 and beginning to transition while balancing an artist's life.

Levi hated it. He refused to talk.

 

“Levi, you have to use your voice for it to actually change.”

 

“Fuck off, shitty glasses!” His voice cracked on the nickname and he whined.

 

“You’re acting like a baby. Consider this training. You have to work out your vocal chords while your body is changing.”

 

“You try sounding like a pubescent child when you’re twenty-five!”

 

“At least you’re going to sound like a sexy man in a few months!”

 

He scoffed at that. He’d been on a testosterone cream for almost a year and his voice had finally begun to change.

 

“A sexy man voice won’t help pay for this shit.”

 

“At least you don’t really have to talk much for your job. Speaking of, my mom wants to buy a painting. Will you let me film it this time?”

 

“Film it? She wants one of the street art ones?”

 

“Yeah, when I told her you do that on the side, she went all crazy.”

 

“Your mom is on facebook too much.”

 

“I know. But she’s gonna pay you full price. She wants a big one.”

 

“Not only you, but your whole family is invading my life.”

 

“You love us.”

 

“Suck my dick.”

 

“No thanks.”

 

Levi lived in New York City. His paintings had found him a spot at a well-known gallery, and he did spray paint art near Times Square to pay the bills. Hange was a psychiatrist just like their mom, and working in the city as well. They shared an apartment, and Levi was pretty sure it was because Hange knew he couldn’t afford one by himself. Art didn’t pay as well as medicine. Honestly, he was grateful, but he couldn’t find the words to voice it. Luckily, Hange knew him better than anyone.

 

While in the city, he ran into Erwin Smith, his high school homeroom teacher who had given him his name. He was still a high school history teacher, though he didn’t seem as intimidating to him now. They weren’t too far apart in age, and wound up fairly good friends.

 

“You get hitched yet?” Levi joked, nudging Erwin in the side. They were at a diner enjoying a meal and some beers. Erwin chuckled.

 

“Not yet. Though Mike and I are getting along just fine without getting hitched.”

 

“Is that that guy that sniffed me?”

 

“He does that to everyone. He’s like a dog.”

 

“That’s fucking weird.”

 

“Says the man who does an in-depth cleaning of his apartment every single week.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“What about you? You find anyone yet?” Levi stared at nothing and downed the rest of his beer.

 

“It’s complicated.”

 

“Levi. You know people are a lot more accepting than you give them credit for. You shouldn’t let who you are get in the way of putting your trust in someone.”

 

“I know, damn it. It’s almost like it’s harder now that I pass most of the time. Instead of ‘Oh, no, I’m actually a boy,’ it’s ‘Hi, my name is Levi. I have a vagina and huge boobs I duck tape down every day just to feel comfortable in my own skin.’ It doesn’t go over very well.”

 

“Oh, come on, they’re not that big.”

  
Levi smacked Erwin in the arm. At least he was trying to keep it lighthearted.


	5. Green

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi post top surgery meets a kid with startlingly green eyes.

“You really shouldn’t be working around those chemicals while you’re recovering.”

 

“I know, shitty glasses, but I can’t make this month’s rent without selling something. I have my ventilator mask, I’ll be fine.”

 

“Don’t do any showy tricks. You don’t want to pop a stitch.”

 

Levi just made a disinterested noise as he double checked he had all his colors in stock. He trudged out the door with his makeshift cart to set up down the street. He couldn’t make it all the way to Times Square today, but they still got a lot of traffic nearby. He was a few weeks past his top surgery and while he was still recovering, he felt better than he could ever remember feeling. He was in the middle of getting his paperwork sent in to change his legal name and gender. In all honesty, he really owed it all to Hange and their contacts within the medical field. He was finally feeling like himself.

 

As he got set up, some people wandered by and gave him interested looks, but were too busy to stop. Levi stood by his setup with no work for a while. Around eleven, he got bored and decided to make some pieces for a quick sell. Careful to make sure his mask was on tight and his gloves situated, he got to work. This one was full of blues and greens and whites. He hardly used the black paint, which was usually a staple in this type of art. In the end he wound up with some sort of wing design. Levi never liked doing just city scapes and planets, and experimented with other shapes often. Wings tended to be his favorite. He tugged his mask down when he was finished and he held it up to look at it.

 

That’s when he noticed he wasn’t alone.

 

Some kid had stopped to watch him paint, and he kind of looked like he was in awe.

 

“You want to buy it?”

 

“Ah… How much is it?”

 

“Twenty.”

 

“Ah… How long are you going to be out here?”

 

Levi shrugged.

 

“As long as I feel like it. I would like to sell a few things before I go home though.”

 

“Will you be here tomorrow?”

 

“I can be.”

 

“Can you hold it for me?”

 

“Sure, kid.”

 

“I’m nineteen.”

 

“Kid.”

 

“Are you always so rude?”

 

“You on your way to work?”

 

“Ah! Right! I’m late.” The kid bowed as he rushed off. Levi couldn’t help but give a half snort half chuckle.

  
He couldn’t explain why he spent the rest of the afternoon trying to get the right shade of green on a canvas to match those eyes.


	6. Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren and Levi are both too awkward for society.

Levi was set up early, even though he knew that kid hadn’t come around until closer to noon. He nursed a hot cup of coffee and ate a donut while he sat. Yesterday had taught him he couldn’t stand for too long yet, so he had brought a stool out with him. The wings painting sat leaning against the cart, almost like it was waiting with him.

 

He had just stood to throw away his empty coffee cup when he saw movement down the street. The kid from yesterday was coming out of an apartment not too far from his own. Their eyes met and those green eyes lit up with his smile as he jogged over.

 

“Hi,” he said. Levi held out his hand.

 

“Twenty.” The boy’s smile faltered a little bit.

 

“Right.” He grabbed his wallet and pulled out a crisp new twenty dollar bill. He’d recently withdrawn it from an ATM, that much was obvious. Levi couldn’t help but notice that it was the only bill in the wallet. Either this kid relied on his card too much or he simply didn’t have money. Levi cleared his throat as he took the money and went back to his cart. He stashed the bill in his own wallet and grabbed the painting.

 

“Where do you work?”

 

The boy seemed surprised that Levi had suddenly started conversation, and to be honest, so was Levi.

 

“I’m just a waiter right now, but I’m auditioning for plays and shows. I’m an actor.” Levi couldn’t help but give him a pitied look.

 

“You poor child. You shouldn’t be wasting your money on street art.”

 

“I want it though!” He grabbed the painting almost too roughly and held it closer to him. “I mean… I just really like it. And it’s a one of a kind, right? I couldn’t pass it up.” Levi sighed.

 

“It’s not that special. I’m usually out by Times Square every day selling shit.”

 

“Why aren’t you there now? There’s hardly anyone on this street.”

 

“I’m… recovering. I can’t walk that far yet.”

 

“Recovering?” The kid was suddenly frantic, like all of a sudden, Levi could fall into a million little pieces. “Are you ill? Should you be outside?”

 

“I’m fine! Will you calm the fuck down already?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Levi sighed.

 

“It’s nothing life threatening, just a simple procedure, but it was invasive, so I have to recover. Calm your tits.”

 

“Sorry, it’s just, you look so young and healthy, it surprised me.”

 

“Like I said, it’s not life-threatening. In fact, it was more cosmetic than anything. Something I wanted, rather than something I physically needed.” Why the hell was he explaining this to him?

 

“Cosmetic? Like plastic surgery?”

 

Levi wanted to just go home, but part of him wanted to stay.

 

“Like a boob job.”

 

Silence.

 

The boy’s eyes darted to his chest and back up to his face, obviously confused.

 

“I got boobs removed, dumbass.”

 

“You’re a--”

 

“I’m a man. And that’s why I got them removed. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to pack up so I can go home and bury myself in a hole with a bag of Cheetos.” He started to pack away his paints, even though he hadn’t used them yet.

 

“Wait! I didn’t mean to be rude. I was just surprised, is all. I mean, your voice is…”

 

He trailed off, but Levi was actually curious to know what his voice sounded like to someone else.

 

“It’s so deep and natural, I never thought…”

 

“That I was a chick?”

 

“No, well I mean, obviously, but I’ve just never met someone who had… you know, transitioned. I mean, usually it’s kind of easy to tell. I just wasn’t expecting it. I’m sorry, I’m probably insulting you and making a dick of myself. I should just go.” He started to wander off back toward his apartment.

 

“Wait.”

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

“What’s your name?”

 

“Eh?”

 

“Your name.”

 

“Eren. My name is Eren Jaeger.”

 

“I’m Levi. I’ll see you ‘round.”

  
And with that, he began to pull his cart back home and it wasn’t even noon yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is all I have written so far, I didn't really plan to post it all at once, but there we go. It's something that I will add to as I write it, but I wrote all of this at once, so it'll probably be slow additions.


	7. Earn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hasn't been edited, so sorry for typos or anything.

Levi didn’t see Eren around because he refused to leave the apartment out of embarrassment. Hange, of course, worried, thinking he may be sick or having complications after his surgery. When they found out that it was over a boy, they wouldn’t let him hear the end of it. He had to answer questions about someone he barely knew, but he was surprised to find he knew more than he originally thought.

Once he was able to get to Times Square without problem, he ventured out again with his paint supplies, bringing extras in preparation for the upcoming holidays: more tourists came to the city as it got colder. He was relatively bundled in a coat and beanie, a scarf pulled up over his nose and fingerless gloves doing their best to keep him warm. He still found himself bouncing on the balls of his feet between waves of customers.

It was always easy enough to find someone to buy a hot chai tea for him while he watched his station, paying them in cash when they delivered, and lunch was always a short walk to a nearby hot dog stand where he could keep an eye on his things and not have to worry about anything being taken or vandalized.

It was on this particular trip, however, that he noticed someone loitering around his stall, and he quickly paid for his food before rushing back over.

“Hey!” he yelled, hoping to scare them off if they were planning trouble for him. He hadn’t expected to see those green-blue eyes he’d been thinking about for weeks now. The smile that also had occupied his thoughts followed soon after.

“So this is yours,” Eren said. “It looked similar, but I wasn’t sure. Glad you’re able to get out.”

Levi stared at him.

“Thanks,” he replied simply, trying not to stare, and failing. He was a lot taller than Levi remembered. A glance at his feet revealed he wore boots with a little bit of a heel, possibly for work. “You on your way to work again?”

“No, I’m off today,” Eren said. “I’ve… actually been looking for you.” Levi raised an eyebrow.

“For two weeks?”

“One and five days,” Eren said and then blushed a little darker in the cold air. That’s when Levi noticed his head was bare, messy hair flapping in the colder November wind.

“I’ll ignore the fact that you’ve been keeping track, and instead berate you on not dressing appropriately for the weather,” Levi said. Eren blinked at him and said nothing. “How are you not freezing? You’re not wearing a hat or scarf and your coat isn’t zipped!” Eren chuckled as he took in Levi’s own bundled appearance.

“I run hot anyways,” he said. “It doesn’t bother me.” Levi frowned. This boy was as infuriating as he was intriguing. He scoffed through his teeth and began eating his hot dog.

“So, you found me,” he said through his bite. “Was there a specific reason?” He wouldn’t bring up the fact that he had been wanting to see the other as well.

“I wanted to know if you could make me another painting,” Eren said.

“It’ll cost more than the other,” Levi warned. “That last one was a hand out, really. Like selling a page from a sketchbook.” Eren’s hopeful look dropped a little.

“How much more?” he asked, and Levi finally noticed the twenty the boy was practically wringing in his hands. He sighed.

“Look,” he began. “You really shouldn’t be wasting your money on my street art. Especially on more than one in a month.”

“But--”

“How about,” Levi cut him off, “you stick around, help me keep my setup tidy, stop papers from flying off in this mother fucking wind, and help me take the stuff back to my apartment and at the end of the day you’ve earned your painting?”

“That doesn’t really seem like a fair deal,” Eren argued.

“Take it or leave it,” Levi snapped, thankful he was wearing a hat, as he was sure a blush was creeping up his neck and to his ears.

“O-okay!” And Eren was smiling again. Levi tossed half of his hot dog in the trash, his stomach flip-flopping too much to let him finish.

“Good,” he said. “Basically just stand here and do whatever I say until I get tired enough to go home.”

“Okay,” Eren said with a nod. “Am I allowed to talk?” Levi closed his eyes and took a deep, cold breath.

“I suppose it’s a free country,” he said. “Just don’t distract me from actually working,” he said as he eyed a group of tourists who were making their way towards them. In reality, he would let Eren talk as much as he wanted. He fucking hated having a crush. It was always so awkward.

The tourists turned out to be college students on a school trip. Art college students. A lot of them. And they all wanted a painting for a souvenir. Levi ran out of paper and a few colors of spray paint in an hour and was practically forced to head home early.

Eren jabbered away about how cool Levi looked when he was painting. Levi didn’t really have a retort for that, settling for a simple “thank you” as he packed up his station into its mobile state.

“There we go,” he said, wiping his hands on his coat. “You grab that and follow me.” He began heading for home.

“Wait, you want me to push this whole thing?” Levi stopped.

“Yup.”

“By myself?” Levi turned.

“Did I stutter?”

“Well, no, but…”

“I push it everyday by myself and I’m smaller than you,” Levi reasoned. “You’re earning something, kid. You gotta do your work for it.” He turned back toward home and resumed walking, managing to smirk a little to himself. There was no rebuttal this time, only the sound of the wheels squeaking as he led the way.

They stopped at the foot of the stair of Levi’s apartment and Hange opened the door to help Levi get drag the heavy thing up the stairs. That’s when they spotted that Levi wasn’t alone.

“IS THAT EREN?” they practically screamed, making both boys jump and Eren actually almost hid behind the cart.

“What the fuck, shitty glasses?” Levi reprimanded. “Don’t just scream at people.”

“Oh, sorry, right,” they said, practically bouncing down the stairs, a giggling mess as they bounded around the cart to get a better look at Eren. “Oh, my goodness, you must be Eren, what with how Levi described you, he pays so much attention to detail, there’s no mistaking it.”

“Hange,” Levi said with a warning tone, but he wasn’t sure if it really had an effect on his room mate at this point. He almost felt okay with it when Eren blushed red like a tomato.

“H-he talked about me?” he asked, sounding like the kid he was. Hange was about to blab everything. That was before they noticed that Levi was a third of the way up the stairs, dragging the cart, by himself.

“OH, LEVI, DON’T DO THAT BY YOURSELF!” they screamed, coming up to grab the bottom of it and help get it up the stairs. “Just because you got the okay from the doctor doesn’t mean you can’t still injure yourself,” they scolded. When they reached the top of the stairs, Levi sighed as it was really quite heavy, and stared at the boy standing on the sidewalk, who simply stared back. He felt he should say something. Invite him inside or out to eat.

“Why don’t you come in?” Hange beat him to it.

“Is… that okay?” Eren asked, even though he was already inching toward the stairs, eyes on Levi even though Hange was the one who had invited him. He reminded Levi of a puppy.

Levi nodded.


End file.
